An Open Letter to Oprah

Dear Oprah:

We recently learned that you’re planning to open a store on our turf. We’re sure you know people are already hatin’ on you since they don’t think you need the money. When we first heard the news of your this venture, we were a little, um, peeved. Let’s just leave it at that.

Why were we peeved? Woman, you don’t need the money. We do. We’ve got bills to pay, food to purchase, drinks to buy and children to clothe. Ok, maybe not the children thing. But we certainly have bills to pay. And drinks to buy. Food? Meh.

Under NO circumstances, however, do we need YOU as competition! Entities mightier than Manifold have fallen because of you. (We won't even link to Phil.)

We thought about ways to sabotage this little side attraction before you got too far along in the planning (we’re thoughtful like that). That’s right. We were going to stop the indomitable O train!

We would lie. We would start an unsubstantiated rumor. We would say you snubbed us. We would tell everyone but you that we were writing a book. Then we came to our senses. Did you know that in addition to all of your money (because of??), you have P-O-W-E-R?

Therefore, we had a brief moment of self-reflection (bet that term got your attention!) and decided to go a different route. You, dear Oprah, will only learn from your mistakes if you face them (we learned that from you, ha!). So, we offer the following choices to correct this only-in-our-minds competitive move:

1. BUY US. We’re cheap; you can afford us. Hell, even if we weren’t cheap, you could pay cash for us – souls and pride at no additional cost.
   


2. FEATURE US. That should generate enough revenue for us to stay solvent until 2053. We even sell books. We’ll come on for any segment.
   


3. VISIT US. You don’t have to buy anything. But why wouldn’t you? You'd really like us, and we know what happens when you really like something. Just know that we don’t take AmEx – not even AmEx Black (and we’d bet our first born that you have one) – or checks. Just make sure you bring the paparazzi along with you.

With all humbleness (and desperateness), these are your ONLY choices should you choose to continue this ill-advised store thing. Get back to us with your selection. You have until our next rent payment is due.

Sincerely,

Manifold

P.S. Please, please review Rule 2 before you next say “I feel badly.” Hasn't anyone told you this before?